College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
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“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Bruh PLEASE
Monday
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Yup
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
cause of death:
autopsy.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.