Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
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Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Going into Monday like
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…