ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
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pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
incredible text to wake up to
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
A man of commitment.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
WHY would you be happy about this?
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.