I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
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H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Fidel Castro was alive?
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff