The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
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when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on