All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
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Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
🤣
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.