[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
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ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
three things we don’t talk about
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Livid.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!