You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
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I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]