[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
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The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
R.I.P.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
it was love at first sight
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it