If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
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Become a minion. Get that bread.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.