my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
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Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I’d … I’d rather not.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
that colleague who touches your screen
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Brands during Pride
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)