I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
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My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.