Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
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I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.