Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
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Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.