I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
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I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.