learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
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5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I laughed at this way too hard.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months