I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
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grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Chicago sounds lovely.