Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
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Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!