My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
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In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it