Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
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My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
From my Mom
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Warm pools make me nervous.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!