I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.