When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.