ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
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Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
*aggressively waits in line*
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Well, this explains it:
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.