OH. COME. ON.
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FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
No, he would not have.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave