doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
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Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Not my job 😂
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
😂😂😂