my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
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One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Important
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!