me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
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The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much