Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
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Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.