Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
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Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
*pokes sex life with a stick
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined