CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
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supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I WON A HAM TODAY
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now