[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
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I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.