How to properly lift a body
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Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.