Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
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“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
“i miss shittin on people”
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
THIS HEADLINE
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Whisper out to librarians!
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*