*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
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To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long