If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
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5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.