[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
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Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin: