Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
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friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Does this dress make me look cat?
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.