Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
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“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
How can I say no to this ?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window