* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
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Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
This did not end as expected.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.