The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
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Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
getting corrected
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault