Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
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Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.