I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
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A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic