Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
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Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.