[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
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8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️