My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
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I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!