me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
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Dudes named Chance never had one.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird