My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
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As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces