Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
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AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.