Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
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I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Happy weekend !
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.