Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
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BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
This forever.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.